Thursday, March 5, 2009

What am I doing, exactly? And why?

Do you ever feel so restless that it seems like your muscle-covered skeleton might leap right out of your skin and run away without you? I feel like that lately.
The way I'm living my life is getting to me, I reckon. Earlier in the week I had a complete breakdown about my current work situation. I've calmed down now, which is nice, because it means I don't have to direct my face toward the inside of my cubicle and try to cry covertly. Plus I ran out of Kleenex last week, so I couldn't even mop at my face and nose when I was done, I just had to let it dry naturally. Which feels as weird as when there's no TP and you have to "drip dry," as we called it when I was growing up. (Some people use humor to diffuse emotional talk... I use potty scenes).

So I've choo-choo'd past the self-hatred phase of this lovely epiphany and now I'm in Confusion Corner. Which is in the same zip code as the Desperation District, apparently.

I'll cut the shit now. I feel at my very core that something is wrong with the way I'm living my life. I feel like I know the truth, and that is that all of us don't have to participate in society in the normal way. I'm so close to being free. I don't have a mortgage, or a child, and these are things I don't have on purpose at this moment, so that if I wanted to or needed to, I could step out of the life I'm living now with relative ease. But the problem is that I have a big voice inside myself that tells me I need to do what's practical, what's responsible. The voice is the one that wakes me up in the morning and ushers me along to work. It has some big points, like health insurance (fucking health insurance!), and sometimes it ticks ticks with an annoying insistence about the fact that neither myself nor the tiny eggs inside me are getting any younger.

The battle between these two parts of myself is getting more heated every day. They're both so insistent that sometimes the psychic force of their collision feels like an actual vibration in my head and chest and stomach. I know, I sound like a crazy person. But honestly, I just don't give a shit anymore. I am tired of being careful. Blog entries in which the person is depressed are really boring, but it's just as boring to tiptoe around your personal dysfunction just because you never know who's watching. And I don't feel depressed! I feel like I'm 10 seconds away from bursting out of myself! WHO'S WITH ME! ?!?


Chrystal M. Smith said...

Oh, dear soul sister. I'm so with you, but I have the mortgage and the kid. To tell you the truth, I don't think it makes these types of thoughts easier or more difficult. Since you do have the insurance, perhaps you could get a fertility work up from your ob/gyn for reassurance. Then, you can concentrate your efforts on those other feelings and not be driven crazy by tiny unused eggs.

Bette said...

Well, you know I'm with you on the kid front. Also, we own a house, and in this market, it's about as concrete a commitment as having child. Seriously, you can never get rid of it.. That was sort of dark...

Anyways, I'm hoping this phase will pass eventually for all of us late-20-somethings. We are holding onto the last bit of freedom before settling down--without settling--and it can be very anxiety-inducing. (I feel that way about once a week.)

This was completely not helpful. You're welcome. (P.S. Yes, to the zine question. I'm down.)

dave said...

the days when it feels like someone turned up the volume level of your life to 11 and ripped the fucking knob off, when the entire world just seems to be screaming in your ear and all you want to do is collapse on the sidewalk and shatter like a giant glass statue. fuck

at the end of the day you're only ever accountable to yourself. you have no one else to answer to. you close your eyes at the end of the day and wait to go to sleep and it's just you. i try to let that guide my decision making process as much as i can... that probably explains more than i'd like it to, but still.

kudos just for being brave enough to not soft sell it. why hold back? being careful is for gays THAT'S RIGHT I SAID IT GAY PEOPLE ARE CAREFUL

ps i'm also afraid of losing the tiny eggs inside of me, but that's only because i'm constantly on the verge of vomiting up caviar - you have any idea how much that shit costs?


ashley la rouge said...

I know I abandoned you guys tonight, but I know how you feel completely, and you really have to ask: how much do you have in your bank accounts and how far can you go?

Patricia said...

being completely comfortable with life is for boring people. we need to have constant questions about where we've been, what we're doing and where we're going or else we're not exercising our emotional sure do write good :-).

Sofa King said...

It may have been the 4th or 5th time I tried in vain to get the vacuum to pick up the same piece of fuzz when I thought, "Why don't I just put the cats, the camera and the wedding photos in the car, and burn this house to cinders before picking up a 12 pack and my wife on the way to Peru?" Don't believe them when they say you can't run away from your problems. Lots of trouble can only be resolved BY and hard. You're staying awake, and that means you're still alive, and that's better than most. I love you, Kiddo, and the war ain't lost yet.


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